Ugh, I’m done

Last night I had insomnia. I didn’t go to bed/sleep until roughly 5:30 am and woke at 8:30 am. I didn’t feel tired or out of sorts so I knew I was in my cycle.

Over the last couple of days I’ve been feeling it – irritable, tired, restless, unmotivated, sullen, and generally moody. It feels strange to have such a swing when my meds have been keeping everything in check for almost a year. I feel like a paradox – not bad but not good either.

Logically, I know nothing is wrong. I have a warm and safe place to live, food on my table, healthy relationships, and I am happy with myself. These are NEEDS many people around the world do not, and will never, have yet it’s not enough to keep me stable for the long term.

Sometimes I get angry with myself when I’m in this part of my cycle. I think “What do I have to be depressed about?”. I’m not materialistic, I don’t live outside of my means, I don’t do things to bother my conscious, and my needs are met.  It’s not stress that generates my swings, though stress can exacerbate the swings. Then I remember I was born this way and stop beating myself up. I keep plugging along, holding onto the memory of how I used to be, and know things will improve and even out.

In the meantime, I stay in tune with myself so that I don’t so something stupid, dangerous, or that I’ll regret later.

Speaking logically again, I know others have it far worse than I do. They have serious manic or depressive episodes and can’t rationally evaluate the situation. It’s sad to me knowing there are those who live this way with no support and they don’t understand what’s happening. I know they must feel crazy. I know I did.